The Past
First I would like to mention that I found a web site for the Mattie I had on another blog. Just type in "Mattie Stepanek" that should bring you to something that will bring you to that site.
Now to the "Past": We were fairly poor when I was growing up, we never had a car, never took trips unless to see family and someone else brought us. In all honesty I became angry at being "different" than friends at the time. By the time I was in 13 I had a bad attitude, began to hang around tough kids, drinking, fighting, you name it. "Hood" I guess you call it in the lingo at the time. I was big for my age, 6' and 160lbs in 5th grade. Neighborhood kids 3-4 years older allowed me to hang with them because I would fight back and stick up for friends. Needless to say it started out that I was picked on by them first. I remember a few years earlier, a few of them got together and gave me a beating, my mom was pissed, but I wouldn't say what happened. But the next day I went looking for them individually, even at home. Well they all backed down but one, so I slapped him up some and left him crying.
School was a waste of time, I didn't have anyone to let me know I could go to college with loans, grants and such. So I gave up and went in the service. Then I found out what bad was, there really was people trying to kill your butt. That's when I found out what real fear was.
After the service I was against the hippies, protesters, you name it. I waved the flag, proud of country and troops. And still I was a bad ass, I had kids, had a job, still drank, still fought.
But I had dreams, and hopes, I didn't like being that way, so slowly I changed. Started education, graduated from college, lots of jobs, some good, lots bad. I was even a cop for 5 years. As I got older I got less tough, heart bad, breathing bad, body parts bad, hell I even lost hope and dreams.
So in many ways I am the same, and many ways different. I have to adjust and become what I want, it is never too late. I know things will change, in many ways good, the world even, I can see it, slowly but it will come and so will I!
Now to the "Past": We were fairly poor when I was growing up, we never had a car, never took trips unless to see family and someone else brought us. In all honesty I became angry at being "different" than friends at the time. By the time I was in 13 I had a bad attitude, began to hang around tough kids, drinking, fighting, you name it. "Hood" I guess you call it in the lingo at the time. I was big for my age, 6' and 160lbs in 5th grade. Neighborhood kids 3-4 years older allowed me to hang with them because I would fight back and stick up for friends. Needless to say it started out that I was picked on by them first. I remember a few years earlier, a few of them got together and gave me a beating, my mom was pissed, but I wouldn't say what happened. But the next day I went looking for them individually, even at home. Well they all backed down but one, so I slapped him up some and left him crying.
School was a waste of time, I didn't have anyone to let me know I could go to college with loans, grants and such. So I gave up and went in the service. Then I found out what bad was, there really was people trying to kill your butt. That's when I found out what real fear was.
After the service I was against the hippies, protesters, you name it. I waved the flag, proud of country and troops. And still I was a bad ass, I had kids, had a job, still drank, still fought.
But I had dreams, and hopes, I didn't like being that way, so slowly I changed. Started education, graduated from college, lots of jobs, some good, lots bad. I was even a cop for 5 years. As I got older I got less tough, heart bad, breathing bad, body parts bad, hell I even lost hope and dreams.
So in many ways I am the same, and many ways different. I have to adjust and become what I want, it is never too late. I know things will change, in many ways good, the world even, I can see it, slowly but it will come and so will I!
posted by Reflections at 9:32 AM
2 Comments:
Campfire in honor of the full moon tonight at the usual place. Come and reflect there. Lighting at 4:30 or so. Stay as long as you wish. Hope to see you.
Joe
If you haven't already, please try a good therapist. I did about five years ago and it was about the best thing I have ever done for myself. She was able to help me through stuff that I didn't know how to do myself. Basically she taught me that if I screw up, the world won't come to an end. She taught me to allow myself to be human with all the rewards and flaws that come with it. It really did change my life.
I too grew up poor as hell, but I became a shy little ashamed girl. You protected your feelings by being a tough guy. We each adopted a personality that made us feel safe.
Post a Comment
<< Home